On whatever the heck it is I want as an artist

Sometimes, well, no almost all the time, “feel-good-overcome-triumph-my-life-is-great” movies and shows tick me off. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a “my life is so terrible and I don’t have a gadjillion dollars to solve all of my problems wah wah why won’t someone fix it for me” blog. Really, I’m not that trite. I’m happily married, and between my wife and I we make enough money and overall I’ve got a pretty damn good life.

It’s just that when I watch shows/movies like this, I somehow end up feeling simultaneously inspired and like a failure all rolled up in to one overly intense ball of emotion. And then I get angry, because we all know it doesn’t always work out that way. People die, people fail, people don’t even bother to aspire, and that’s just how the world works.

What galls me isn’t the content really, I mean it’s just a show, a production that exists as a piece of art, and the multitude of people who participate in its creation will probably be happy to know that they evoke pretty intense and visceral emotions from me when I partake in them. No, the real problem is that when it comes to my own aspirations, artistic or otherwise, I have been known to get in my own way from time to time.

So I watch something that triggers this emotional response and then I start to feel crappy about achieving my dreams, I wondering if I should be farther along, (wherever that is???) and why right here and now isn’t a good enough place to be just because I watched some stupid show.

Of course, it took me writing all of that to consciously realize this. See I was going to rant a little bit about how not everyone can succeed and blah blah blah, but really, this is about me.

I’m struggling with my desire for success in my aspirations as an artist, as well as my desire as to be an active and positive participant in the various communities that I am part of. I struggle with that against the idea that mabye I want this because I think I should want it. That maybe these are superimposed ideals and desires, that maybe really all I want to do is just BE, simple, unfettered and unencumbered by those desires.

There’s an equilibrium in there somewhere, I just know it, and I strongly suspect that the tranquility and state of being I seek will somehow arrive THROUGH my aspirations and desires.

If I could just get out of my own frikkin way…

Spyros Heniadis

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